Mystery Evangelion Theatre 3000 - Show 1
by Pokemon Ranger J
Summary: James and his pals riff some real stinkers!


Mystery Evangelion Theatre

Mystery Evangelion Theatre

** **

** **

In the not too distant future,

2018 AD,

There was a guy named James, 

not too different from you or me.

He worked at the Marduc institute

Just another guy in dark trenchcoat,

He did a good job kicking angel face,

But Gendo didn't trust him so he shot him into space!

GENDO:

I'll send him cheesy fanfics,

Woo Woo

The worst I can find!

Lalala

He'll have to sit and watch them all,

And I'll monitor his mind!

Now keep in mind James can't control,

Woo Woo

Where the fanfics begin or end!

Lalala

He'll try to retain his sanity,

With the help of his random friends!

RANDOM ROLL CALL

Shinji Ikari!

(Huh?)

Rei Ayanami!

(Blue hair is in!)

Dave Scott!

(I am David, hear me roar!)

Spike Spiegel (I'm different!)

If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, 

And other science facts, 

Just repeat to yourself,

This is just a show, 

I should really just relax!

For Mystery Evangelion Theatre 3000

Wannnnng!

**James:Hey, welcome to the show.**

** **

**Dave:Greetings humans!**

** **

**James:You see, today we've decided to celebrate, for lack of better employment, National Zucchini Awareness Day!**

** **

**Spike:Yes, and as you can see here, we all have our trusty Zucchini Awareness Day clothing.**

** **

**Shinji is piloting the Satellite of Indifference.SOI, for short.He is whistling Ode to Joy.Ayanami is attending to some mundane cleaning in the background.Dave, James, and Spike are standing behind the main control panel, looking up at the blank screen.**

****

**James:I would like to enjoy today, since we have so many zucchinis to be thankful for, but my psychic abilities tell me that Commander Ikari is going to be calling any minute now.**

** **

**Shinji: Not my dad again.I start to get the feeling he doesn't like me!**

** **

**Dave (coughing): No shit!**

** **

**Shinji: Huh?**

****

**Dave:Umm…Oh Scmidtt…Oh, nevermind.**

** **

**Shinji:Tell me!**

** **

**At this second, barely preventing Shinji from making a fool of himself, Gendo appears on the screen.He smirks evilly.**

** **

**Gendo:Hello, puppets.**

** **

**All: Hello, Commander Ikari!**

** **

**James:Say, why the long face… oh, wait, that's an evil smirk.Why does something smell like bad fanfics?**

** **

**Spike:Don't jinx us!**

** **

**Gendo:Too late, my little friends.I have this amazingly new, amazingly pungent nose wrinkler.Fuyutski, send them the fic!**

** **

**All:It's TV's Fuyutski!**

** **

**Fuyutski hits the button, and the klaxons blare.Everyone flies into a panic, except Shinji and Rei, who are still whistling and scrubbing, respectively.**

** **

**James:We've got fanfic sign!**

** **

**Doors:**

**1 – The doors to NERV HQ.**

**2 – The door to Misato's apartment.**

**3 – The classroom door.**

**4 – The door to the Eva cages.**

**5 – Jet Alone's access hatch.**

**6 – An entry plug.It says Eva 14.**

** **

** **

**Everyone seats themselves.**

Disclaimer: Evangelion is not mine, nor will it ever be. 

**James:Damn right!**

Author's note: uh…prologue to a fic about Misato and Kaji…sorry I haven't been working on the other fic lately? I dunno, nothing more to say…

**Dave:**Except this – Shinji, nooooooo!

Courting Misato: Prologue

**Spike: Chapter 1 – buying beer.**

Misato was angry…but that wasn't unusual, especially when you dumped one chauvinistic, mussed-hair, laughing-eyed baka into the cauldron of inequity. 

**James:Cauldron of inequity, the newest flavor from Lamebucks.**

Heck, he was the one that was _stirring_ the damn brew in the first place! 

**Spike (Bad French Accent):And if you add cheese it comes out with a very good, zesty cheddar flavor!**

Misato growled, brushing her hair back from bloodshot violet eyes 

**Dave:They weren't her eyes, but she was planning on giving them back soon.**

as she stormed 

**Dave:I'm here with Insecurity Watch 2000, and we have sighted Hurricane Misato off the coast of northern Madagascar.You Californians might want to lock up, seeing as there is a 0.001% it might actually hit you!**

down the hall of the GeoFront, fists clenched about a wooden clipboard. 

**James:She must have giant hands!**

Ever since he had arrived in Tokyo 3, Commander Ikari had been ordering her to "keep him in line", 

**James:But hitting him with the newspaper just wasn't working any more.**

the female technicians and support staff were complaining about his less than gentlemanly conduct around them 

**Spike (as Kaji): I wouldn't call it complaining.**

(although there were a few that did not mind at _all_), 

**Spike (coughing): Maya!**

and Ritsuko had been giving her less than subtle hints about "re-igniting the flame". 

**James:But she'd had trouble getting him to let her cover him in lighter fluid.**

Well, too bad for her, the hypocrite. That flame was doused, the embers trod upon and buried like any other toxic chemical waste, to be forgotten until the acid chewed its way through the steel-caged barrel and contaminated the water supply…like it was doing now. 

**Dave: Where did they get these metaphors?Industrial-Surplus Metaphor-Mart?**

"Misato-san!" There was a loud slapping of feet on the metal corridor 

**Spike: It was Bongo, the chimp, and boy was he pissed!**

floor before the 'contaminant' himself skidded to a halt right beside her, "helpfully" taking the sheaf of papers from Misato's hands. 

**James:Helpful in the sense of "The Intestinal Flu is Helpful".**

"Here, let me take that…wouldn't want such a delicate woman as yourself breaking a nail, would we, Misato?" 

**Spike (as Misato):I'll break you, punk!**

Her eyes narrowed before she replied curtly, "Kaji."****

Kaji looked up from the papers, that familiarly cocky grin coming to his lips as he tipped his head slightly in that oh-so-annoying affectation. "Yeeesss, Misato?"

**James (as misato): **

"Go away." 

**Dave (as Misato): I've got some glooming to do!**

Instead of responding to that demand, he began flipping through the papers again, keeping in step with her as they walked down the corridors. The flickering luminescent lights cast an eerie glow about his face 

**James:Chernobyl Kaji, with eerie glow equipment!Luminescent lights not included.**

as he stared down intently at the reports, but no amount of bad lighting could detract from the fact that he was an exceptionally handsome man. He sported a light stubble on a strong chin and longer than normal hair that was pulled back in a perpetual ponytail. 

**Dave:It must suck when that gets stuck in doors 20 feet behind him!**

His eyes were amber, sometimes lambent with fire or passion, but usually mahogany with good humor. 

**Spike:And bright pink when he's had too much Schnapps.**

No, he was a handsome man all right…too bad his pretty face hid bad moral character and carelessness,

**Dave: As well as that whole double agent thing.**

she thought, then was immediately annoyed at herself. What did she care anyway?

"These are pilot reports, aren't they, Misato?" His voice pulled her back from her 

**James: Quiet escape.**

**Spike (as Misato): Damn!**

thoughts and she glanced at him absently.

**James: as opposed to glancing at him presently.**

"Yes, I asked a conference with Commander Ikari to discuss their well-being. I'm afraid that Asuka's last battle with the-"

**Dave:Mutant Ass Monkey!**

"He won't care, you know." 

**Spike (as Kaji): He's too busy dancing the hokey pokey with Fuyutski.They got the tape yeterday, and it's been a madhouse in there ever since.**

Misato's eyes narrowed. "What do you mean by that?"

**James (as Kaji):I mean that they're putting their right minds in, and their right minds out, if you get the picture.**

"Our esteemed Commander does not care if the pilots die, he only concerns himself with the EVA, if you had not noticed." He flipped the folder back 

**Dave:And it hit her in the head.**

shut and clipped it to the board again. Noticing the way she was glaring at him, he smiled and bowed ironically, 

**James: I love the rampant use of the wrong pronouns.**

"Of course, that is only my opinion."

"I don't believe you."

**Spike (as Misato):I still think they can fly!**

"Hmmm…how much do you want to wager on it? Shall we say…a day in which the loser must do anything the winner says? Or perhaps, if you are a daring woman…a week?" He gave Misato a humorous leer that made her hand itch to slap him, but mastering that impulse, barely, she 

**Dave:beat him senseless with her handbag.**

turned away from him, her eyes glued stiffly in front of her.

**James:Oh my God, get some solvent down here right away!**

"When are you going back to Germany?" She asked pointedly, but as usual, the baka didn't get the message. Or rather, he _got_ the message, he just ignored it.

**Dave:This had always hindered him in the whole "get out before it blows" sense.**

"Don't worry, my sexy-" His grin stretched wider as she turned dagger-like eyes on him, but he continued anyway, "-fiery, little woman, I'll be here much longer than expected. The government has given me leave to protect the Second Child here, after all, she _is_ a representative of the German Republic, and what could be more important than the Child that will help defeat the Angels?"

**Spike:Government cheese.**

"Terrific." Misato muttered, 

**James:You get a cookie.**

rubbing her eyes. In that brief moment, Kaji caught her about the waist, pulling her closer to him. Misato's breath caught.

**Dave:On a barbed wire, and it got torn badly, so she had to have it stitched back up.**

She did _not _need to be accosted at a time like this…especially when she was meeting with Gendo in a couple minutes.

**Spike: Gendo needed to be accosted, however.**

"Isn't it just, Misato? Just like…old times." There was no mistaking what he meant, especially when his voice had gone husky with…nostalgia? Desire? 

**James: Cheese?**

She ignored it.

**James:Never ignore the Cheese!**

"I do not _need_ to experience the _old times_ again, Kaji. Let go of me."

**Dave (as Kaji): Oh, c'mon, you remember, can we please?**

**James (as Misato): No!**

**Dave (as Kaji): But you said you liked playing Candyland!**

**James (as Misato): No!**

"You don't mean that." He was grinning again, that infernally annoying grin that others deemed as "sexy" and "rakish". 

**Spike: Always was more shovelish to me.**

Well, it was, but it was also infernally irritating, especially since he had that king-of-the-mountain look on his face as well.

She hissed, pushing against his chest. "Actually, I _do_."

"Oh? Well…let's try a little experiment…" His head swooped down to steal a kiss 

**James:But the guard stopped him at the door.**

that sent her reeling before he finally released her lips. Pleased by her dazed expression, he raised a brow, his voice gently coaxing, "It would be fun, Misato…you remember…" 

**Spike (as Kaji):I'll wear the special pants again.**

It was that last statement that brought her snapping back to reality. Oh she _did_ remember, too well…

**James (as Misato):No, please dear God, not the pants!**

Misato was just about to grind her teeth, denying the reaction in her own body as she glared at him. 

**Dave:Okay, sentence structure am questionable.**

Instead of flying into a cat-like rage and screaming like she _wanted_ to do, she smiled stiffly, calmly raised a heeled foot, 

**Dave: And shoved it up his nose.**

and brought it slamming down on Kaji's worn, brown loafers…with satisfying results. He choked, hands loosening from their position around her hips as he yanked his injured appendage back and proceeded to hop a few steps before limping around to glance at the smug satisfaction in Misato's amethyst eyes.

**James:They're gonna charge her overdue fines on those eyes if she doesn't return them soon.**

"I take that to mean a no?" He asked with a somewhat strained smile. Misato's cat-in-cream 

**James:What is with this guy and liquid metaphors?**

expression became more pronounced as she proceeded to pick up the fallen papers that were scattered about the metal halls.

"It means no."

"Or a maybe?"

"No." 

**Dave (as Misato):What part of 'No' don't you understand?The N, or the O?**

Misato scooped down to pick up the fallen papers before tossing her ebony-black hair back with artless elegance. Without further acknowledgement to her former lover, the Major of Special Operations proceeded to make her way to one of the lifts that would take her to the main command headquarters. She didn't need to turn around to know that he wouldn't follow her…for now.

But his voice, however faint, asked, "Not even in a million years?"

**Spike ( as Kaji): No, huh?How about a billion?**

Misato rolled her eyes. "Not if you were the last man on Earth!" 

**James (as Kaji): Hey, it's not like I haven't heard that before.**

The lift doors closed.

**Dave:On Kaji.**

Mumbling to himself, Kaji leaned against the wall, a slight smile tracing his lips, 

**Spike: You know, they probably shouldn't do that.Graphite is not good for the lips.**

"She shouldn't joke like that…if the Angels succeed, there should be a man with her to enjoy the last night with." Then he shrugged and turned around, retracing his steps, 

**Spike:More tracing? **

wincing slightly at the dull throb in his foot. "Hmm…but what a way to go, in the arms of a _hot_ woman like her…I wonder what she would have said if I had told her that?"

**Dave:Probably, "Toast this, monkey boy."**

***

Misato was smiling after that, enjoying all five minutes of her reprieve…until the lift doors opened and she came face to face with Ritsuko Akagi…who was looking cool and professional as usual. She raised a censorious brow before motioning to Misato follow her. "Major Katsurugi…you're late. Commander Ikari has been waiting for you." 

**Spike (as Ritsuko):He's got the pants.**

**Dave (as Misato):What is it with you people and pants?**

Misato sighed, walking with the blonde-haired woman, before she gave a nonchalant shrug. "Oh well, he can only fire me. And I could probably find a job that pays more down at the Tokyo 3 mall as a sale's clerk. What do you think, Ritsuko, would I do well as a clerk? Or a model?" 

**Dave: Or a bouncer?**

Ritsuko only shook her head. "You're going to get in trouble one of these days, Misato. We cannot afford to be reckless now." Now she had reached the office levels the halls were somewhat more hospitable, though drab. It was done in neutral browns and light beige, giving no personality to the surroundings. 

**Spike:Al Gore is 'the building.'**

It was as pristine as the lower levels, and for a messy home-lover like Misato, walking through such _clean_ and _tidy_ offices was so…so…blah.

**James: at this point the author ran out of funny liquid metaphors, and inserted the word 'blah.'**

"Hah! Then they should send Kaji back to Germany where he can't get into trouble!" Misato retorted and Ritsuko permitted herself a small smile.

**James: But the Gestapo didn't.She died.**

"Kaji is it?"

**Dave (as Misato): No, idiot, my name is Misato.**

"Ahh….it's _always_ Kaji, getting himself into trouble, making a nuisance out of himself! I wish he would just leave!"

"Do you?"

**Spike: Take this computer, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, 'til death do you part?**

Misato's head shot up as she recognized the noncommittal neutrality in the blonde's voice. Actually, the walls did reflect one person's personality…Ritsuko's: bland, serviceable, and 

**James: They come with a two year warranty!**

professional to boot. Right now, she didn't trust that façade at _all. _"What is _that _supposed to mean?!"

**Dave:It's Aztec for, "Burning hot monkey love!"**

"Nothing. 

**Spike (as Ritsuko):Nothing.Nothing at all.Nothing about you and flyboy.**

I am only worried about your performance now you have a…distraction…in your life, Misato." Ritsuko's face was as flat as a refrigerator door, as she turned to glance briefly at the enraged woman beside her.

"WHAT?!"

**James (as Misato):I'M SORRY, I SEEM TO HAVE SWALLOWED MY HEARING AID.**

"Your sexual tension has caused your efficiency and your control to go-"

**Dave: Kaput!**

"I do _not _have _sexual tension!_" 

**Dave:Yeah, sexual tension never did _that_ to a car before!**

"And Kaji's obvious animal lust for you-"

**Spike (as Ritsuko): Reminds me of that time at the zoo when the lemurs got frisky.**

"RIT-SU-KO!"

**Spike:She must be mad, she's talking in all caps, and in syllables!**

Ritsuko took one look at the pure murder in Misato's eyes and backed out gracefully, "As you wish then. We are here now, Misato." She opened the door to Gendo's rather austere but large office that was completely done in dark ebony and grays that made the floor almost indistinguishable from the colors of the shadows. 

**Dave: Consequently, Ritsuko walked straight out an open window.**

The only thing that mitigated the rather severe style of the room was the magnificent view of Tokyo 3 that the windows had to offer. The light from the dying sun cast a warm glow across the buildings, drenching the city in yellows, oranges, and deep reds. 

**Spike (as Gendo):It's going to take days to repaint that!**

In the far background, mountains rose majestically above the city, greens mixing with the darker shades of the coming night to form an intricate pattern of shadow and light.

Too bad the man that sat behind the wide mahogany desk could not appreciate such aesthetic beauty.

The glare from his glasses lent to the hostile, almost sinister shadows under his eyes and at the hollows of his cheekbones. "Major Katsuguri, you're late." Misato sighed mentally. _This_ was not going to be fun.

**Dave:Monopoly was never fun in the Ikari household.**

***

After snapping a smart salute, Misato approached the desk, clipboard extended towards him. "Commander Ikari." 

**James:No offense, sir, but take off the pants.**

He merely looked at her hand broodingly from behind threaded fingers until she was forced to set the files on his desk with a clatter. For a moment, he just stared at the black folder before asking, "What is this, Major Katsurugi?" 

**Dave:Sir, there's an umm… spider in your, umm… hair, sir.**

**Spike:Gendo probably eats the damn things.**

Staring straight ahead, Misato said curtly, "They are reports concerning Asuka Sorhyu-Langley and Shinji Ikari, sir. They have-"

**James:lost the ability to eat. **

"Synch test results then, Major?"

Misato hesitated, then continued determinedly, "No sir, they are reports on their social interactions and the growth in their-" 

**Dave: Fingernails.**

"Why should this concern me?"

**James:Because you wear the pants!**

"The pilots are our top priority, sir! In the last confrontation with the Angels, Unit 02 was severely damaged and Asuka-"

**Spike:Was tied into a knot.Which has been nasty to untangle.**

"The _pilots_ are not my problem, Major." Gendo interrupted unemotionally, "You are their chosen guardian and I do not need to be bothered with reports on their well-fare …unless I am to assume you cannot handle such responsibility."

**Spike (as Misato):Actually, I'm too obsessed with not being obsessed with Kaji.**

"I can handle the responsibility, sir!" Misato snapped through clenched teeth. "However, it is customary to give the Commander full disclosure on not only the mechanical preparations, but the human factor as well when dealing with such a crucial operation."

**Dave:P.S.Shinji likes cheese.**

Gendo's glacial features did not change by a twitch of the muscle at his subordinate's subtle rebellion. Instead he glared at her coolly from behind his wide-rimmed spectacles, gloved hands still locked together. "Major Katsurugi…when the rank of Major of Special Operations was given to you, it was tacitly understood, that you would not need to run to your superior officers every time you encountered a problem."

"But-"

**James:I wanna wear the pink one mommy!**

"My top priority is keeping the Evangelion Units operational, and keeping the Angels from penetrating the GeoFront. The loss of the pilots…are acceptable." Dark eyes rose to meet angry amethyst. 

**Dave:Damn, she hasn't taken them back yet!**

"In event that we lose a pilot, we can chose from more. We cannot replace another Evangelion Unit on such a low budget as the United Nations has us on."

**James (as Gendo): It's hard to subsist on only one welfare check a month, especially when you build huge robots!**

"But these pilots are _human_, sir! 

**James (as Gendo): Then let's start experimenting with the chimps!**

You cannot manipulate them like animals without care for their wellbeing!" Misato leaned forward on Gendo's desk to bring them to eye level. 

**Dave: and promptly fell over.**

"They are highly skilled and trained and are _not_ at all expendable. To train another pilot to peak efficiency would take another three to seven months, depending on how skilled he is to begin with!"

A sardonic smile slid across Gendo's face, cold and tight. 

**Spike:You know, he probably should stop putting his head in the freezer like that.It's bad for your sardonic smile.**

"That is why I have you to keep them alive, don't I, Major? In the end, we are all pawns, moving across a black and white chessboard to protect the king. We are all expendable in the end, Major."

**James (as Gendo): except me, of course.I'm cool.**

Misato's teeth clenched stubbornly as she opened her mouth, 

**Dave:How does that work?**

but Gendo had already swiveled around to present her with the back of his black, leather chair. "Dismissed Major."

"Sir-"

**Spike (as Misato):I love you!**

"Dismissed. And in the future, do not trouble me with such trivial problems. I trust you will be able to handle the situations as it arises." Misato glared hotly at his hidden form before turning away. 

**Dave (as Misato): You want handle?I'll handle you, bitch!**

"I will leave the reports with you, Commander…just in case you change your mind." Misato said through clenched teeth. "Good evening, sir." 

**Dave: Guten nacht mein fuehrer.**

When the door to Gendo's office was opened and just as quickly slammed shut, Ritsuko, who had been standing outside, raised a brow. "That was rather quick."

**James (as Misato):Nah, you should have seen the time I proposed we give the pilots lives!**

"Don't _start_," Misato snapped before storming away. She needed some time to think, and something like a long walk alone away from civilization would do just fine. 

**Dave:It _would_ help civilization out.**

Unbeknownst to her, a pair of light tan eyes followed her angry form to the lifts. A soft grin curled on the man's shadowed face as he leaned against the wall, lighting a cigarette. "Told her."

**Dave (as Kaji): that the shrimp would cause that reaction.**

Tbc…

**All:No thanks, man.**

*yawn* r&r please…oi…sleep…are any of you miracle workers out there? Can you put more hours in a day? I'd appreciate it….*trails off into incoherent mumbling.*

**They all exit the theatre.**

**James:man, that was easy. That fic wasn't really even bad at all.It didn't have too much to do with Misato and Kaji's relationship, but all the same, I had a hard time criticizing it.**

**Dave:Yeah, it had a plot.That's what was wrong.**

**Spike:Well, you have to admit, there were bad parts.**

**James:Yeah, I guess there were.All fics have 'em.**

**Gendo's picture comes up on the screen.He is holding a random relic with which he intends to create more confusing Eva side plots.**

**Gendo:Are you going to bow down yet?**

**All:No such luck, evil britches.We're alright.In fact, it wasn't that bad.**

**Gendo:Hmm…The next fic, which I have already selected, will destroy you, I'm sure.**

**Spike:That doesn't sound good…**


End file.
